The 'Me' Mother's Day
The Wall Street Journal • May 13th, 2006

All across America this weekend, mothers can look forward to bouquets of flowers, boxes of candy and singing greeting cards. But to show his mom Margarita how much he cares, Felipe Braunthal decided to splurge more than $6,000 -- on himself.

Mr. Braunthal spent the money to have a giant spider tattoo on his back lasered off at a dermatology clinic. The 26-year-old insurance agent says it will make his mom happy: "She never liked it." Now that he's older, says Mr. Braunthal, "neither do I."

Since Woodrow Wilson first proclaimed the holiday in 1914, Mother's Day has been the one time each year children are expected to put mom ahead of their own needs. But for the famously pampered twentysomethings of Generation Y, it can look a little different. Raised as the center of their parents' universe, some of these kids are finding a way to make Mother's Day revolve around them, too.

The idea: spend a little money on yourself in hopes that will please your biggest fan more than a traditional gift. Some are joining matchmaking services or sitting down with a financial planner. Others are starting therapy or finally getting a haircut.

It's one sign of how this generation -- along with its Boomer parents -- is redefining what it means to be a grown-up. In high school, many of these kids were surrounded by a bubble of tutoring and SAT prep. Into college, their parents often still set the agenda, picking courses and taste-testing cafeteria food. In some of the more extreme cases, parents are now tagging along on job interviews or even negotiating salaries.

Now they're convinced that no gift could please mom more than a gift to themselves. In the case of Evan Frankel, that's true. The 27-year-old says his parents have supported him through eight job changes since college, and he wants to reassure them that he's thinking of his future. So he recently joined an online dating service and sent home a Mother's Day card announcing the move. "It's the American parents' dream to see their kids settled," he says.

Mr. Frankel's mom, Susan Frankel, says she was delighted. "What would he buy me that I don't already have," she says. "His self-improvement is my self-improvement." (His older sister Allison Billings wasn't impressed, likening the present to the adult version of a macaroni picture frame.)

The self-givers have caught some business owners by surprise, from a cosmetic dentist in New York who has several patients getting teeth-whitening as tributes to mom, to a cellphone store in St. Louis, where kids are buying phones to make sure their mothers can reach them. Scottsdale, Ariz.-based skincare chain Dermacare says it's seeing people come in for acne treatments in advance of Sunday (moms think it'll help with dating), while salon chain American Male says it has a spike in appointments this weekend by young men scheduling beard trimmings and haircuts to look less scruffy. Housecleaning franchiser MaidPro says this is its biggest Mother's Day weekend ever, in part from kids who are buying one-day cleanings to show off to their moms.

Of course, there are still plenty of kids buying their moms more traditional gifts. Overall, Mother's Day spending is expected to total $13.8 billion this year, up 20% from last year, according to a survey by BIGresearch, a market-research concern, for the National Retail Federation. Retailers say some of this growth is coming from success in their ongoing push to broaden the list of who gets something for Mother's Day. Hallmark now sells cards meant for mothers-to-be and first-time grandmothers.

Paying tribute to motherhood wasn't always this commercial. The rites of honoring mothers go back to ancient Greece. In America, the modern concept dates from 19th-century feminism. In 1872, peace activist and poet Julia Ward Howe issued a "Mother's Day Proclamation" in part to oppose the Franco-Prussian War. Some 40 years later, Anna Jarvis, a teacher in Philadelphia, lobbied Congress for a national holiday.

Merchants, however, quickly saw the potential. Sitting on Ms. Jarvis's official Mother's Day Committee was John Wanamaker, founder of the first department store in the U.S. By 1918, FTD was imploring sons and daughters to "Say it with flowers." Now, everyone from pet shops to outdoor stores markets the holiday.

But Yelena Leshchinsky says she didn't think much about ordinary gifts. The 25-year-old account executive at a New York advertising firm says her mom in Atlanta is always concerned she's staying out late and not taking care of her health -- a subject that comes up frequently when they catch up by phone as often as five times a day.

The gift: Ms. Leshchinsky is taking out a health club membership for herself. "For me, joining the gym is one less thing for her to worry about," she says. Her mom, Milla Rosen, will get a tour of the gym and dinner this weekend. "We are like best girlfriends," says Ms. Rosen.

"This is a generation that was raised with an extraordinary amount of self-focus," says Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State University, and the author of a new book titled "Generation Me." Ms. Twenge, who, at 34, is part of the generation she chronicled, says, "30 years ago a gift for your mother would be a gift for your mother."

Generation Y is roughly defined as kids born after 1982 -- making the oldest members 24. Sociologists typically consider Generation X to include people born between 1965 and 1981. For many of these kids, spanking was a no-no and boosting self-esteem was a major parental theme.

That kind of upbringing has in many ways changed how these kids relate to their parents -- and their perception of parents as authority figures. In a survey by market researcher Synovate of 1,000 parents with kids ages 12 to 30, 43% say they want to be their child's best friend. And a Pew Research Center survey found that 42% of adults say they see or talk with a parent every day. In 1989, just 32% of adults said this.

Many continue to live at home. Between 1970 and 2004, the number of people ages 18 to 34 who reside with their family rose 49%, from 12.5 million to 18.6 million, according to the Census Bureau. Unlike past generations, pressure to cut the apron strings often isn't part of the picture. Jeffrey Levy says his calculus is simple: He can get his mom another coupon to a restaurant in Boca Raton, or he can give himself the gift of laser hair removal. "She'll be glad I did it,'" says the 26-year-old marketing manager for a nonprofit organization in Washington, D.C. He plans to reveal his hairless back and shoulders during a visit home this weekend. "I am definitely going to be like, 'Surprise. Happy Mother's Day. I just went through 2½ hours of torture for you.'"

One way kids are finding to make mom happy: getting serious about dating. Match.com says in the two weeks leading up to Mother's Day this year, unique visitors increased by about 15%. The site says some of that is kids signing their moms up, but others are doing it for themselves -- at mom's behest. In a recent Match.com survey of 1,000 singles, 9% said they feel pressure from their mothers about not having a boyfriend or girlfriend. "It's not a trivial thing to put yourself out there," says Thomas Enraght-Moony, the site's senior vice president and general manager for North America.

Financial pressures play into this, too. Young adults are carrying bigger debts, facing higher housing costs and may be the first generation not to do as well as their parents. The average credit-card debt among people ages 25 to 34 rose 55%, to over $4,000, between 1992 and 2001, according to Demos, a New York-based think tank in a report called "Generation Broke." Those ages 18 to 24 saw a 104% spike over the same period.

It's one reason many have yet to cut the cords: Americans ages 23 and 24 get an average of $2,129 a year in financial support from their parents, says Bob Schoeni, a professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research.

Jay I. Weintraub, a financial planner in Philadelphia, says he's seeing young clients who are getting their accounts in order in time for the holiday. Their goal, he says, is to show mom they're "maturing financially." The timing works well for another reason: After tax season, kids get even more jittery about their finances.

The "me" approach has its share of skeptics. Grace Davari says she and her two children have always celebrated the holiday with a nice meal and presents. So this year she was astonished to hear what her son Nick was planning to get her: a haircut and shave for himself. "She's always asking me to clean myself up," says Mr. Davari, a 28-year-old mortgage consultant who lives 20 minutes away from his mother in Tysons Corner, Va. "I always complain, I say his face is so rough," admits Mrs. Davari, who says she's excited to see her son's new look, but realizes her pleas cost her a present this year. "This time, it backfired."

San Diego anxiety counselor Shirley Babior says a 28-year-old came in asking for one thing: to get over her fear of flying before Mother's Day, so she could visit her mom in Boston. Ms. Babior says the request spoke to the young woman's own adjustment to leaving the nest and striking out on her own after college -- and that this kind of gift to a parent speaks to a child's own personal growth. "We sorted out some things," Ms. Babior says.

Evan Jones says he racked his brain for months about what to get his mom. Then a few weeks ago, he settled on the perfect gift: get a job and move out. Instead of spending another summer at home watching "The Simpsons" and eating Cheese Nips at his parents' house in Guilford, Conn., the 22-year-old graduate student told his mom he was finally getting his own place. His mother Cecilia says as much as she's appreciated her FTD delivery in the past, this year's present is a huge relief: "We have made a very comfortable house for our son and I was worried that he's become too picky."

Mr. Jones says Mother's Day was the kick in the pants he needed. "I'm not going to be a bum," he says. "Moving out of the house is probably the best gift I could give her."